He Says I'm Enough

I am enough.

I tell this to myself over and over again as I am confronted with everything in me that I wish would change.
I tell this to myself as I underline yet another verse in the Bible telling me what virtuous attributes I should have. 

I tell this to myself as I fret about whether or not I should take Calculus this year.

I tell this to myself as doubts rise and make me second guess my college choice.
I tell this to myself as I answer yet another Bible study question asking me in what areas of my life I could improve, how I could be better, where I could be more compassionate, humble, forgiving, and serving.

In order to grow I need to change.  And in order to change I need to know where to change.  And in order to know where to change I need to know in what areas of my life I have been sinning. 
This is a crucial process, but it is a process that can leave me feeling unworthy, hopeless, and unable to approach Jesus with even a semblance of confidence or trust.  
But then I remember, or, better put, I am reminded, that to Him I am enough.  In any form, at every moment, in the middle of any sin, at the moment of any weakness, I am still enough.  I will always be enough. I have always been enough. I am enough. 

"While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."Romans 5:8b

I am good enough for Him when I am being my lowest, basest self.  I am good enough for Him when I am being my best, most Jesus-glorifying self.  And I am good enough for Him at all the times in between.

"Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you. I've called your name. You're mine. When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you. When you're in rough waters, you will not go down. When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end— Because I am God, your personal God, The Holy of Israel, your Savior. I paid a huge price for you: all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in! That's how much you mean to me! That's how much I love you! I'd sell off the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you." Isaiah 43:1-3

He Gives Good Gifts

This summer Ann Voskamp has been schooling me in the discipline of thanksgiving.  In her blog A Holy Experience, her book One Thousand Gifts, and her iPhone (or Android) app One Thousand Gifts she teaches me to write down, realize, and remember how blessed I am and how Jesus is endlessly showering me with gifts.  Ann asked me to join her in a joy dare, a dare to chronicle 1,000 gifts.  In doing so, in writing down these gifts in my journal, in snapping photos of these gifts and posting them on her app my eyes are being opened to the gifts Jesus is giving me in every single moment.  On June 28 I started writing every night in my journal five things I'm thankful for.  I'll share a few...or a lot:

Japanese dumplings with teriyaki sauce
Playing chess on the iPad with my dad
New TLC show Big Brooklyn Style
Dew on my feet
Smell of homemade baking gingersnaps
Saturday market
Oatmeal from Starbucks
Rainstorm
Apples
Backyard games with my small group
Double rainbow

Blessed assurance that Jesus wants me to go to Whitworth University and not Wheaton College
Nehemiah Bible Study with lovely ladies
Noise from my fan that lulls me to sleep
Green skinny jeans on sale from Nordstrom
POWELL'S BOOKSTORE

Books from Powell's I hope to get next time

Books from Powell's I got this time

Cashew nut tofu
Hot sand completely covering my feet
Building a teepee with Dallas and Jack

The most comfortable bed in the world at the most comfortable house in the world

Cheeks baking in the warmth of a bonfire
Self tanner lotion (you better believe it)
Grandpa and Grandma time

Taking these pictures and writing these things down makes me realize, rejoice, and remember.  Taking these pictures and writing these things down makes me thank Him.  He gives good gifts. He gives good, good gifts.  


"Thank God! He deserves your thanks. His love never quits. 
Thank the God of all gods, 
His love never quits. 
Thank the Lord of all lords. His love never quits." 
Psalm 136: 1-3 The Message

He is Miraculous

I want to be radical, different, life-changing.  I want people to love Jesus more and live Jesus more because He worked in them through me.  I want to be a beacon.  I want to be a light leading to Light.  I want to love Him more, obey Him quicker, believe Him more, know Him more, live Him more.  I want to have faith and love and gifts like Beth Moore, Christine Caine, and Ann Voskamp.

But do I believe Jesus can work in me these things He has worked in those women?  Do I believe He can change me, refine me, work miracles in me like He has in those women?  Do I believe He can develop leadership skills and vulnerability in me like He has in those women? Do I believe He can do much of anything?

I don't.

I feel beyond- reach, too bogged down by what I know will really happen when I ask Him to work a miracle in me.  Because I know what will really happen.  I will ask but won't receive.  And even if I  receive I won't recognize the Giver.  I just don't believe like those women.  But I want to.  So I pray. I pray He will prove me wrong.  I pray He will abolish my thoughts of unbelief and my thoughts of, "He couldn't possibly do that in me".  I pray He will thrust down my unbelief and raise up belief. And even in my unbelief He does miracles in me.  He blesses me, grows me, teaches me to see the countless gifts He gives me everyday.  He chastises me, woos me, calms me.  He pierces my heart, makes it soar, makes it sing, makes it quietly beam.  In all this, through all this, with all this He grows belief in me.

Jesus, grow miraculous amounts of belief in me.

"Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" Mark 9:24

He Died For Them

Am I worth it? Are any of us worth it? I don't see how we could be.

Last week I started reading the book The Longest Day by Cornelius Ryan.  It is an eye-opening account of D-Day.  From the paratroopers dropped into different parts of Normandy at midnight to the last wave of soldiers dropped onto the beaches at the end of June 6, Ryan uses eye-witness accounts to tell us what happened that day. The book was written only about 15 years after D-Day and the accounts sound fresh and real. This was the first book I had ever read about D-Day.  This was the first time I learned pretty much anything about D-Day.  Before reading this book the only things I could have told you about D-Day would have been that it happened in France, there was a beach called Omaha, and a lot of soldiers died.  I was totally clueless to what really happened that day.  I didn't know anything about the paratroopers who were dropped up to 30 miles away from their targets into murky swamps that were impossible to climb out of.  I didn't know about the soldiers who had to stay cramped in their ships for 3 days, seasick and without any sleep, before being shoved out into chest high waters that were already red with blood.  I had no idea that the first wave of soldiers sent to Omaha beach were told before leaving the boat that their casualty rate would probably be around 90%. I had no idea. 

I read that book.  I googled maps showing the path the ships took to get to the Normandy beaches.  I saw on these maps which beaches were taken by American soldiers, which ones by British soldiers, and which ones by Canadian soldiers.  I talked with my parents about D-Day asking them lots of questions.  We watched Saving Private Ryan last night.  I just started reading a book by Stephen Ambrose called Citizen Soldier about the days following D-Day.

10,000 to 12,000 Allied soldiers were killed, captured, wounded, or went missing on D-Day. 1,465 American soldiers were killed on D-Day, 3,184 were wounded, 1,928 went missing, and 26 were captured.

And after watching Saving Private Ryan last night I asked Jesus, "How in the world are any of us worth that?" The soldiers that morning of D-Day knew they were probably not going to live to see the evening of D-Day. But they left the airplane, the boat, anyway. They fought and died so that we could love and live in peace today.  And I ask Jesus, "How are we worth that? We don't love.  We aren't peacemakers.  We are selfish, brutal, terrible people.  They fought for the generations to come. But we're here now and we're not that great." I ask Him this out of anger and grief.  And He says to me, "I thought you were worth it.  I thought you were worth coming into this world of selfishness, brutishness, and terror so that I could eventually bring You to live with me forever. I thought you were worth dying for.  It doesn't surprise Me that they too thought you were worth dying for."  So I sit here and I cry as I think of what they did for me 68 years ago and what He did for me 2,000 years ago.  And next week when I stand on the beaches, when I see and smell the ocean that was red with their blood 68 years ago, when I see their white gravestones, I will thank them and I will thank Jesus for dying for them before they had to die for me.

Thank You Jesus. 

He is Working In Me

I've recently begun to realize that I have a very hard time worshipping anywhere but in my own house, when I'm reading my Bible alone, or praying alone.  At my church, at someone else's church, listening to worship music in my car, devotionals at school, or weekday small groups, my heart's just not in it.  This is a very bad thing.  In my current state I am only opening myself up to worship when I'm alone with Jesus.  When I am reading my Bible and my Beth Moore book in the morning I feel refreshed and close to Him.  But when I am sitting in church I feel bored and grumpy and like a barrier has come up between me and Jesus.  I close myself up because I feel too vulnerable when I'm worshipping with other people.  I don't feel engaged or excited to hear a new message about Him.  I'm just counting the minutes until church is over and we can leave for lunch.  This is a very bad thing.  And I know it's a bad thing because Jesus has brought it to my attention and told me, "This isn't good.  We need to work on this."  Now that I recognize it I need to address it.  So this is what I'm going to do.  I'm going to pray and ask Jesus to please, please turn my heart into a heart that is receptive to every message He has for it.  No matter when or where that message comes from.  No matter who I'm with when that message comes.  I'm going to pray before every church service that the message I hear in that sermon or in that Sabbath school class will be effective in my heart and that I will be open to worship even if it does make me feel vulnerable. I'm going to (try and remember to) pray before every small group, school devotional, or worship song that I will receive a word from it.  Not hear a word, but receive a word.
And I believe Jesus will answer these prayers.  I believe He will work in my heart and change it for the better.  I believe He will make my heart more like His.  And I believe some of the ways He will speak to my heart will be through my summer Bible commitments. This summer I am going to read through the whole Bible in the Message translation by Eugene Peterson, and I am going to work through Kelly Minter's Nehemiah study along with many of my friends from school and church.  I believe Jesus is telling me that He is going to work in me through these two studies this summer. I am so hopeful.

"Ascribe to the LORD the glory due his name; worship the LORD in the splendor of his holiness." Psalm 29:2


"Come, let us bow down in worship, let us kneel before the LORD our Maker."  Psalm 95:6

He is Constant

Even when my heart's not in it, His is. When I feel wretched and sinful He sees me as clean and shining. When I am reluctant and dispassionate He is encouraging and exciting. When I'm just plain tired He sits and comforts me. When I am discouraged and despondent He speaks life into me.
This last week every senior at my school graduated.  They presented and defended their Senior Theses, they attended their Baccalaureate, and then they graduated.  And at every stage of graduation week (or week and a half) people were looking at my class and saying, "That will be you guys next year."
I'm not ready to be a senior.  I'm not ready to have my last year with these classmates and teachers that I've been with since I was seven.  I'm not ready to choose a college.  I'm not ready to move away.  I'm not ready to choose a major.  I don't know what I want to be when I grow up!  This is what I've been bringing to Jesus lately.  I've been asking how such a dramatic, abrupt change as moving away and being on your own after 18 years of being a kid can be His plan for anyone.  So Jesus looks at me and tells me He is the only Constant I will ever have.  I believe it is His plan for me to move away and go to college and as full of change that lovely plan is I know that He will never change.  He will always be right there with me.  Next year when I am having my last Christmas program with my class and teachers, last devotions, last birthday party, last test, last project, last picnic I will look to Him and know that He and I will never have a last.  He is Omnipresent, Constant, and Sovereign and He will always take care of me.  And because I know these things about Jesus to be true I can relish all those "lasts" next year and not regret them.  I can celebrate them more than I mourn them.  I can laugh more than I cry.  I can embrace them because I know that I am safe in God's plan.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17

"They will perish, but You remain; they will all wear out like a garment.  Like clothing You will change them and they will be discarded.  But You remain the same, and Your years will never end." Psalm 102: 26-27

He Is My Defender

Towards the end of April I began to get very scared about my Junior Thesis Defense that I knew was approaching. Panic and anxiety would sneak up on me until I completely dreaded the thought of it.  I didn't know how in the world I would be able to do it. So, in the first week of May I asked Jesus for a miracle.  I told Him, "I know what I'm about to ask for is a miracle but I believe You can do it so...please do it." I asked that He would miraculously take all fear, anxiety, and panic away from me and that He would not let Satan make me nervous about my Defense. Not then, not any day leading up to it, and not the day of my Defense.
It worked.  I have not felt fearful or panicky about my Defense since I asked for that miracle.  Amen and amen. Even these last two days as I've watched my classmates and the seniors give their Defenses I have not gotten scared.  If anything, watching them has been very encouraging because they have all done very well.  But the anticipation has been growing. I am giving my Defense tomorrow afternoon.  I am very last.  I didn't mind very much a couple days ago, but after two days of watching everyone else finish their Thesis journey for the year I would really like to finish mine too :)  When I think about finishing it tomorrow I don't feel panic like I did in April, but a few nerves are popping up here and there. But I am so grateful that's all there has been and I believe that's all there will be.
But can you see how understanding Jesus has been through all of this? He saw my fear and He saw how miserable I was so He did a miracle for me.  Soon after I prayed that prayer I saw this verse while flipping through my Bible.


"God, my strength, I am looking to you, because God is my defender." Psalm 59:9


And later I looked up this one too."For their Defender is strong; He will take up their case against you." Proverbs 23:11


He is my Defender, He is the Ultimate Defender so I ask that tomorrow He will help me defend my thesis.
~Rebecca

He Found Me

Last summer I got the crazy idea that I should read through the whole Bible in about 70 days. That meant reading 15 pages of the Bible a day.  Where in the world did I come up with this idea you may ask? That's easy.  Jesus.  I didn't know it at the time but Jesus was about to do something big in my heart. I have always been a Christian, I have always gone to church, and I have always prayed.  But an actual relationship with Jesus? Actually feeling His love and voice in my life? I didn't know what that was.  But last summer He decided all that was about to change.  I began my reading journey in late June and I finished the night before school started in August.  In those two months Jesus opened my eyes and awakened my heart.  And the result is, I love Him.  Genesis to Revelation He told me who He is and now I love Him because of who He is.  Now I have this drive, this need, to drink up His Word and discover more truths about Him every day. Some days though I allow other desires to cloud my desire for Him.  Most days actually.  But He never stops loving me and that's what it's all about.
Dara MaClean has a song called "Yours Forever".  I first heard it in October or November of last year and it made me stop and listen.  I loved it.  She sings, "Thank You for finding me when You did." It made my heart soar.  He found me.  This last year has been the hardest, most stressful year of my life. But it has also been the most beautiful because I love Jesus, and the hardship and stress drew my heart to His in so many ways.  And now, in these last few months, a new crazy idea has entered my mind.  A blog. SCARY.  Sharing my faith and my walk with Jesus for everyone I know to see? SCARY.  But I'm doing it and with His help I hope I can continue to do it. I want to speak boldly of Him.  I want to witness.  "So pray that I will keep on speaking boldly for Him, as I should" (Ephesians 6:20).

Yours Forever by Dara MaClean
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxzVRTI6cPc&ob=av2e

~Rebecca