I want to be radical, different, life-changing. I want people to love Jesus more and live Jesus more because He worked in them through me. I want to be a beacon. I want to be a light leading to Light. I want to love Him more, obey Him quicker, believe Him more, know Him more, live Him more. I want to have faith and love and gifts like Beth Moore, Christine Caine, and Ann Voskamp.
But do I believe Jesus can work in me these things He has worked in those women? Do I believe He can change me, refine me, work miracles in me like He has in those women? Do I believe He can develop leadership skills and vulnerability in me like He has in those women? Do I believe He can do much of anything?
I don't.
I feel beyond- reach, too bogged down by what I know will really happen when I ask Him to work a miracle in me. Because I know what will really happen. I will ask but won't receive. And even if I receive I won't recognize the Giver. I just don't believe like those women. But I want to. So I pray. I pray He will prove me wrong. I pray He will abolish my thoughts of unbelief and my thoughts of, "He couldn't possibly do that in me". I pray He will thrust down my unbelief and raise up belief. And even in my unbelief He does miracles in me. He blesses me, grows me, teaches me to see the countless gifts He gives me everyday. He chastises me, woos me, calms me. He pierces my heart, makes it soar, makes it sing, makes it quietly beam. In all this, through all this, with all this He grows belief in me.
Jesus, grow miraculous amounts of belief in me.
"Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" Mark 9:24
